Prized Relationships

It seems like every man I meet here who has been in China for a year or more, and plans to stay longer, has a serious Chinese girlfriend or wife. I would not have expected this before I came since I assumed the cultural barrier would prevent most relationships from developing very far. Also unexpected was the impulsive feeling of discomfort I tend to have toward such relationships. At first I was concerned that my feelings betrayed a deep seeded racism, however, I lost that fear when I realized there are multiple western-Chinese relationships that do not bother me in the least. After realizing there was something else behind my feelings it took a while to put my finger it and only just recently came up with an answer.

Looking at the man, I resent the chauvinistic attitude of treating women as a trophy, and a lot of men interested in Chinese women are looking for exactly that. As a whole, Chinese women behave the way that men wanted women to behave in the 50’s. It is a country full of straight black haired Mrs. Cleavers. Thus, it seems a lot of men come to China so they can be the king of their castle, or the ones that don’t realize they can be once they get here and jump on the bandwagon. I also get the sense that a lot of guys who can’t hack it in the west come to Asia to better their odds. You can’t help but wonder why a western man would want a quiet, demure, and obedient spouse, and the best answer that comes to mind is insecurity. This returns to the idea of women as a trophy, in that a lot of men here seem to treat their partners as proof that they can sleep with a beautiful woman, or just any woman. Thus, as soon as I find out that a guy has a Chinese wife or girlfriend, I begin to speculate on the reasons why they might strike out with women at home. If you don’t fit in with your own culture and can’t get women there, why not move to a culture where the women are plentiful and only care that you are western? This brings me to the other side of things.

With regard to the woman, I can’t help but suspect, whether she is aware of it or not, she is just gold digging, as western men tend to have more money and treat their partners better than Chinese men do. Find a western man, any one will do. Thus, both sides of the relationship are based on winning a prize more than it is on feelings and compatibility.

Clearly there are exceptions to all this. I have met some couples that seem to have a very healthy and equal relationship, though it always involves a Chinese girl who displays more independence and personality than her peers, and a self-confident, socially adjusted western man. On the whole, however, I find reason to approach western-Chinese relationships with skepticism. Honestly, what are the odds of such high success rates for intercultural relationships unless they are fueled by agendas. The cultures certainly don’t mesh, and I’ve seen more chemistry between news reporters than I generally see between Western men and their Chinese wives. It also says something that I have yet to encounter a single western woman- Chinese man partnership.

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